My New Agent

I just received a letter from my new agent, T.J. Chasely. He has really big plans for me.

Hey Rich,
Let me start by saying I love the blog. Love it. Love you. Love everything you are doing. It is really blowing up. Very exciting. I am pumped to be on the ground floor of this thing.

As much as I love you and everything you are doing we need to talk about some small changes. We have got to reach out to a larger demographic. I am talking about moving beyond your traditional “Big Three” visitor groups (your parents, Korean Internet addicts, and your cyber bullies). If we can get the other important Internet user groups (i.e, 9-11 truthers, advert-bots, and secretaries searching for pictures of kittens) to start clicking-in you will really blow up. If you could combine those three target groups in your next blog post then we might start generating real buzz.

This is not just about your blog though. I am already thinking ahead. I am thinking about illiterich the brand.

Stick with me here, this might sound a little crazy, but what about a theme song? Crazy, right? Or is it? In the next couple of years everyone is going to have their own theme songs, especially bloggers. People don’t want to read text anymore when they visit a blog. People want loud music to start playing as soon as the webpage loads. And that’s exactly what we’ll give them. Okay, so, here is what I am thinking for a song. It’s got to be NOW if you know what I mean. It has got to be electro, pre-post-punk, trip-hop, funk-folk, talk-rock, core-rock, bore-core, core-fore, fore-blore, rock-rock, and video game noises. Who could possibly fuse all these genres? It just so happens I represent a little band called fuck illiterich (don’t worry the name is ironic) who are perfect. They come in, lay down some music, you read one of your blog thingies over it and Boom! Nice knowing yah Beethoven!

“Oh look the illiterich theme song just went to number one on the Manitoba adult contemporary non-music charts!” (I am literally promising that).

Okay so then you will have the blog, the chart topping hit, and the fragrance. Wait, what did I just say? A fragrance? You’re damn right a fragrance. In one years time you are going to have your own scent. Working title: illiterich for Pregnant Women. That’s right, we’re going after the pregnant women perfume market. For some reason no one has even tried until right now. And that will lead seamlessly into a whole line of illiterich prenatal and infant products. In two years time illitierich baby onesies and maternity mumus will be everywhere.

“Oh look I am preggers but I still smell like a morning flower and my baby’s decked out in this fly-ass onesie. I am the hottest prego mom around!”

Don’t stop me now! I am on a role!

Okay, sit down and shut up. This next idea will propel your testicles into your body cavity. Two words: Fucking cake! What do I mean by cake? I mean the 3rd most popular dessert in North America is what I fucking mean. People love cake. People (almost) love your blog. Together they will be unstoppable. Personalized illiterich themed cakes. They will have your hottest tweets or blog postings or whatever you do right on them.

“Oh look it’s a fucking cake with illiterich’s latest facebook status right on it! Now I am the hottest prego mom around!”

And. We. Both. Get. Paid.

James Franco. What am I talking about? I am talking about James “Hottest Shit Right Now” Franco. Why? Oh, I dunno, because James Franco is about to play you in the biopic about your life directed by James Cameron and written by whoever the most expensive writer is. Working title: illiterich for Pregnant Women. Wait, you don’t think that makes sense? Of course not, it’s not supposed too. It’s called product placement and it’s right there in the title. People go see your movie and then go out and buy your fragrance. They won’t even know what him them. But we will know what hit us. It’s called money and it’ll hit us right in the fucking face!

Bring-bring – Hey Rich, the phone is for you – Who is it? – Oh, it’s just Nelson “Yeah, That Fucking Nelson Mandela” Mandela – What does he want? – Ummm nothing really, he just wants you to write his autobiography and serve as the next leader of the United Nations of the entire Earth.

And. It’s. No. Big. Deal.

So we got the music, we got the scent, we got the maternity wear, we got the cakes, we got the movie, we got the Nelson Mandela autobiography, and we got the President of the World. Is that enough? Not by a long shot.

I don’t know about you but I actually want to make some money. So I am thinking a body glitter for straight men? I call it glitterich. Or how about a medicated powder for skin irritation? I call it illiterITCH. You want more? I got a million of these.
Here it comes. I can’t hold back anymore. Are you ready? It’s the rapid fire round!

illiterich’s Anti-Tank Guns
illiterich’s Adult Diapers
illiterich’s Spider Milk
illiterich’s Monkey Wigs
illiterich’s Something Else

Ka-Ching!

And. We’re. Both. Billionaires.

Hang on – illiterich’s Industrial Strength Tar and Plaster Remover just went double platinum in Asia? Oh, now it looks like we’re both Asian billionaires as well. Do you know what kind of cars Asian billionaires drive? Of course not. No one does. Because their cars are fucking INVISIBLE. We are going to make “Asian billionaire invisible car” money.

And. I. ‘M. Not. Done.

Slam Dunk!

More money!

That's what I am talking about!

I think I've made my point. Call me when you are ready to get paid,

T.J. Chasely
P.S. One last suggestion: Start a blog. That is the best way to connect with your fans.”