I woke up this morning with a letter in my hand. It seems as though I wrote it to myself while I was dreaming.
Dear Rich,
Hello my name is....well I don’t really know what my name is. Sometimes I am called Janine, sometimes its Steven, occasionally its mother or Ottoman Chair or any number of things. One time my name was Fart. Most of the time though, I don’t even have a name. This is kind of why I am writing you. I am a resident of your subconscious and frankly, it is not an easy existence. The whole inconsistent name thing is just one example of the countless obstacles that I face living in the chaotic depths of your mind. Hopefully, this letter will give you just a taste of what I go through on a daily basis (I think its daily but I don't really have any concept of time).
Please, don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I don’t like it here. Your subconscious can be a very interesting place. There is no end to the excitement. I mean, wow, you have action packed dreams. With all the Zombie attacks and time-traveling and weird sex stuff there is no shortage of entertainment in my life (I think I am alive?). The problem is it can be hard to get things done. The Zombie attacks are especially a nuisance. You know what I am talking about. I am not sure if you watched a Zombie movie recently or what but they are everywhere. And there is never any escape from those guys. Sure, you usually wake up before they get you but I am stuck here. I always, always get caught and eaten, I mean, it's just a total nightmare (no pun intended). Imagine trying to get anything done in that sort of environment?
Aside from Zombie attacks I do struggle with other, more mundane issues which are nonetheless frustrating. Newspapers and books pose a big problem for me. In fact all written language give me difficulties. I just want to be able to sit down and read the paper without having the words appear in a cryptic, unreadable script that rearrange itself on the page. It would also be helpful to have store signs that makes sense (Tell me, what the hell does a “BABY ssqqqq @ jjub+effffmnsuw” s shop sell? Apparently it’s Zombies because that’s all that was in stock when I went in).
Another problem is light-switches. Yeah, those never work. And mirrors! What the fuck is up with those things? I cannot begin to explain how unreliable they are. Also can we get some guns that do not morph in to harmless toys whenever we need them most. That might help a bit with the whole unending Zombie war. Some proper dentists would be great too. For some reason people's teeth are crumbling and falling out at an alarming rate. Frankly, it has reached epidemic proportions.
Now there is one last subject that I really need to address. It is awkward and I am not sure how to phrase it politely so I will just come out and say it. Can you please stop trying to fuck everyone? I know, I know it’s your subconscious and you are basically God and can do what you want but it has gotten out of hand. Every time you show up it suddenly turns in to Sodom and Gomorrah up in here. And, let’s be honest, shit usually gets pretty weird. I don’t want to judge but seriously, what the fuck? Margaret Thatcher? Really? And razor blade lined vaginas? What the hell was that about? Not to mention the whole Zombie orgy incident. That certainly did not win you any friends around here.
I sincerely hope I am not coming off as an ungrateful asshole in this letter. There is definitely an upside to living in your subconscious. The whole “not being constrained by the natural laws that govern waking life” thing can come in handy at times. It’s just I am just sick of coming back from work to find that I now reside in a crude approximation of your childhood home which is quickly devolving in to a miniature dollhouse. What do I do when that happens? Sleep in the street? I can't really do that when the street is actually a giant penis-snake that's trying to eat me, can I?
I know I am not alone in my opinions either. Recently, two friends of mine and I were talking about how difficult it is to live here. Of course the conversation came to an abrupt end when they merged in to one being that was simultaneously your father and a limbless mannequin incapable of speech. Wow, amazing, great talk guys.
I try to take my situation in stride but it can be hard. We have a little saying around here that goes: “If you don’t like Rich’s subconscious than...,” no, wait it goes: “you if...like it, don’t leave subconscious penis,” no, no wait its more like: “if you if, bad baby, Richard's vagina subconscious...teeth zombies.” Ah fuck it! I can’t remember the damn thing and really its never been that consistent anyways. The point is I have come to accept the things I cannot change...laser penis bible vegetables. Still, a little structure sometimes would be nice. I think if you were more than an occasional visitor here you would understand my plight a little betterrrrrrrribble....
Well that's just great. I can see I am slowly losing my tenuous grasp on reality so I should probably Wrap IT UP. Mother Baby Truth, Turth,Tuhtr. Oh shit, it’s all coming undone. See this is what I am talking aboooooutttttffffffFalange, Ellberry, LIbrerry, leeberry, luburyl lubdubrubflub. Okay Rich I will just wanted to say one last thing that is of universal importance....
AHHH ZOMBIES! zombie attack! some one turn on the lights! damn light switches!
and why is naked Margaret thatcher here and don’t have sex with her ewwwww
!!! vagina razorblades!!!
Ahhhhh! my teeth are falling out!!!
penis snakes!
rich
remember
this
one
eternal
trutuuuuuuuthuhtuerhtruihurteiorfkldakfmd
this one theorem that explains all existence
ZOMBIES EVERYWHERE DAMN TOY GUNS are useless!!!!
No, that’s not it. You must remember that the hqkdjfh and the are theoaskdj fhoadishfoa which is why mxbstwue faoihpfoa asoso fdhaof reoikiousyw. Got that? GOTTTTT
TTTTTTHHHHHHatt?
ffffffffffffffffffffthhhhhhhhh
AHHH BABY ZOMBIES!!! SERIOUSLY??? Are you kidding me? FUCK thissssssss
And You forgot to study for your geography exam!!
owefnca,wefasf
X,EJWONsoiencoOQWMD
OOEIURYQaaaaaaaandkopaol
S
In
C
Er
Ley,
masoiwuefnstyu
Dammit this sucks.
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