Now I know the name Melvin Hruntz is unfamiliar to most of you but in the 1950s and 1960s he was considered by many to be one of the finest comedians in the business. He was known for his cutting one-liners and controversial material. Sadly, Melvin was unable to keep up with the times and people grew tired of his endless misogynistic jokes about his wife (including classic bits like “Take my wife – she’s a bitch!’, “I hate airplane food...and my dumb wife!”, and “Take my ex-wife – she’s still a bitch!”)
Unfortunately, in his later years Melvin was mostly known for a bitter feud he had with former friends Zak, Gary, Poopman and the rest of the wacky Morning Zoo Crew over at 108.5 the WHIP. I do not want to get in to the details of their lengthy battle but it got ugly on both sides. Eventually Melvin would reconcile with most of the zoo crew, including Doris the Wednesday morning singing clitoris and crazy homeless Steve, but he never fully forgave Poopman for his unflattering impersonation of Melvin (done with canned fart noises).
Anyways the point is that he inspired me. Without him this blog would not exist. So in his honour I am now sharing a letter he sent me after I wrote to him asking for advice when I started my first blog a few years ago.
Before you read it I should note that when he wrote this he thought that I was an upcoming comedian and that the "Internet" was a comedy club in Pennsylvania.
Hey Kiddo,
Thanks for the fan mail. I don’t get too much of it anymore and the stuff I do get I have to split with my ex-wife (pause for laughter). Seriously though I really appreciate it. It’s nice to know someone still cares about old Melly.
So you want my advice on what it takes to become a comedian in this day in age? My first tip: don’t marry my bitch ex-wife! (pause for laughter). Seriously though if you listen to me I think you’ll do just fine. Here are five tips that I wish I had gotten when I was your age:
1) Refuse to perform in front of women. They don’t know funny. I recommend only taking gigs at strip clubs, friar clubs and in men’s bathrooms (I’ve done dozens of sets in bathrooms). The only women at my gigs should be topping off highballs, selling cigarillos, or possibly replacing the urinal cakes.
2) Don’t be afraid to insult the audience. Remember the audience hates you because everyone wants you to fail. They only way you can win is make them feel as terrible as you do. That counts as a win in old Melly’s books.
3) Don’t stop making zingers. As soon as you stop talking you start thinking and when you start thinking it’s going to be about your ex-wife and that’s not good. Trust me. That’s the last thing you want.
4) Don’t go on a crazy morning zoo crew style radio show. Those hacks will just play farting noises after everything you say. They’ve got no class.
5) Don’t cry. No matter how bad it’s going don’t cry. God dammit don’t let them see you cry!
I hope that helps with your upcoming gig. If I had the money I would fly out to Pennsylvania to watch it myself. Actually if I had the money I would probably be using it to payback my ex-wife, that bitch (pause for laughter). Or maybe I would just get something to eat.
One more thing, when you are in Pittsburgh maybe you can swing by Philly and say hello to my ex-wife, who, as I’ve said, is a bitch (pause for laughter). You can tell her old Melly really misses her and would love to see her...and that old Melly can’t stop crying...and that he wants to smell her again...and to stop crying so much...
Hey, look at me getting carried away. You don’t want to read about all that stuff.
Anyways kid I should probably leave it at that. I’ve got a big show to get ready for tonight. It’s in the men’s bathroom at the Flamingo. I should be able to get through 6 or 7 minutes of material before security is alerted and then I’ll be thrown in the drunk-tank. That’s another great venue: the drunk-tank. It’s packed real guys-guys, everyone is loaded, and they give you a meal after your gig (when you wake up). It’s just like the old days.
Good luck and remember not cry up on stage.
Sincerely,
Melvin Hruntz
P.S. If this is really just another fake fan letter the zoo crew at the WHIP 108.5 than you can all go to hell. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about the fart bomb/monkey incident either. I am going to get you all back, especially Poopman, Professor Molester, and the whole Friday morning bikini team!
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