Let's Talk About Sex

I just received a really important letter from my friend Timothy Juldsen. Tim, or “Pastor Timmy” as his flock call him, is the youth pastor at Hillside Community Church and he wrote regarding a touchy subject, sex.

Now I clearly do not need any advice on this topic. I know a lot about sex. So much it’s not even funny really. I know, like, basically all of the sex moves one does while making sex. I also know all about pleasuring a woman with my sex moves (that I learned from having so much of it). Man, I do not know even where to start when talking about sex because, as I said before, I have so much sexperience (that’s what us sexperts call it) that I could talk about it in such great detail. I wish I had time to get into it because I have so many great sex stories (sexcapades!) but I just don’t want to give you inferiority complexes and also I don’t have the time. I probably will never have time to talk about it because I am always so busy having so much of it with so many chicks who are like, “can you give us more sex, please?” And yeah...

Anyways, now that I have definitively convinced you that I am not a virgin I am going to share Pastor Timmy’s letter in the hopes that it will guide and inform those of you who might be have some difficult questions regarding this topic, of which I am already an expert, but are too afraid to ask.

“Hey Rich,

I am glad you had the courage to ask me about sex. A lot of the teenagers I counsel are afraid to ask about it and even though you are ten years older than most of them it’s never to late learn the truth about this sacred act carried out between a married man and a married woman.

So, you’re probably thinking, “what can a youth pastor possibly know about sex anyways? Aren’t youth pastors boring, old fusspots?" Well I can assure you that I am not. I am basically just one of the gang. I am basically into all the same things teenagers can relate to. You know, I like to rock out on my acoustic, chow down on some sush’, listen to some jams on my Zune, shred a little pavement on my rollerblades, or even just rap about the Bible over a rockstar energy drink.

Oh yeah, did I mention I am also starting up a skateboarding ministry this fall?

Is that cool enough for yah?

Anyways, now that its been established that I am a hip, relatable youth pastor you’re probably still thinking, “okay pastor-T so you’re totally rad’ and can play all my fav’ Christian alt-rock jams on acoustic but what do you know about sex?”

Good question.

I mean, sure I have only ever had sex with one woman, my wife; and sure, I’ve only had sex on 11 sweaty, awkward, brief occasions; and sure, I’ve only ever had sex in complete darkness with my pajamas still on; and sure, I am only familiar with one sexual position; and sure, I’ve never studied sex in a formal academic or scientific setting; and sure, I’ve only read books on the subject by like-minded Christians; and sure, I refuse to engage with anyone who has differing opinions on the matter; and sure, I don’t know what a vagina actually looks like; and sure, I struggle with exciting but harmful homosinful desires; and sure I hate sex. But I am an expert on one thing: The Bible.

Now what does this little book say about sex? Well it says a lot. Too much in fact. To be perfectly honest I am not really sure what it says because it’s sort of contradictory and the passages about sex are open to a lot of interpretation. So basically I am saying that your guess is as good as mine.

The important thing to remember is that, for some reason, true love waits. If you don’t wait then your wedding night just won’t be the same. All that pre-marital sex will defile that beautiful and sacred moment when your wife looks deep in to your eyes, right after you’ve ejaculated in your tuxedo trousers from the slightest touch, and says to you, “Is that it?”

In conclusion I really don’t think you have to worry too much about sex at the moment. I get the feeling you are going to be a virgin for a long time to come. A big, old sexless lame-o that no one even wants to even touch let alone sleep with. And that, my friend, is a beautiful thing.

Sincerely,

Pastor Timmy Juldsen.”