“Just Watch Me”: If I were Prime Minister

Our current Prime Minister has been taking a lot of criticism lately for things he has done (or not done?). I do not read newspapers so I am not sure exactly what the problem is but I assume – judging from his appearance – that he has either done something really creepy or something really bland. Anyways I feel bad for the suit-shaped, human-like being that currently fills the position of Prime Minister so I thought I would help him out by outlining what I would do if I was in his shoes.

Renounce God: I admit this is a risky first move and completely unnecessary. At the same time: holy shit, right? I mean, it would be pretty crazy if the Prime Minister did that. Everyone would freak the fuck out and probably call for my immediate resignation. Actually, it would be political suicide. I do not know what I was thinking. It is a terrible idea. I probably should have thought about it a little more. Maybe just scrap the whole renouncing God thing, at least for now.

Replace Parliament with hyper-realistic mannequins: My initial reason for doing this would be to ensure that I could pass any legislation I wanted without opposition. Later I think I would get bored of that but then I could still dress up the mannequins in funny costumes and pretend to talk for them in silly, high-pitched voices. Maybe I would throw some sort of tea party for them. Either way it would be fun. (Note: Remember not to fall in love with any of mannequins).

Establish a 3-Day Weekend: People would be thrilled if I established a 3-day weekend. They might be less thrilled when they found out they would have to work 20 hour days on the tar sands for the rest of the week. Still: 3-day weekend.

End the War with Japan and Germany: Has anyone remembered to do this already?

Establish a cabinet position for the Prime Minister’s Girlfriend: I would make it a priority to fill this position in the first weeks of my Government. I’ve narrowed my choices down to Rachel McAdams, Elisha Cuthbert, and Peter MacKay (Yes, he’s that good).

Cancel Third World Debt: Nah, just fucking with you.

Ask the Premier of Nunavut to come to Ottawa to present his case for making Nunavut Canada’s next province. Then after he made his little presentation or whatever I would totally say, “I’ll have Nunavut!”: Hah! Get it? “Nunavut” sounds like “none of it.” Whatever, I really think as Prime Minister I could make that joke work.

Raise taxes 1000%: This would make me a very unpopular Prime Minister at first but then...

Lower taxes 500%: Well, well, well guess who just implemented the biggest tax cut in the history of the world?

Throw a nice party for the First Nations People: It’s the least I could do. Actually I could do nothing. Honestly, I would probably end up doing nothing.

Liquidate the opposition, dismantle democracy, establish reeducation camps for “undesirable elements,” abolish free thought, and declare myself as “Citizen 1,” the eternal leader of The Peasant and Worker’s Democratic Republic Of Soviet Canuckistan: Whoops! How did that get on here? Just ignore this one.

Lower the drinking age to 17: I told you guys I was cool.

A Necessary Evil: An ex-con who is trying to put his life back together after 10 years in jail is forced to track down the men who killed his wife and kidnapped his daughter. Or so he thinks... Starring Mark Wahlberg and Edward James Olmos. Summer 2011: I figure as Prime Minister I could finally make this movie happen.

Pass one really amazing bill that basically just solves all of the problems: This seems like an obvious move to me.

Make French the official language of Alberta: Because fuck Alberta, that’s why.

Sell the province of Saskatorontario to the USA for a billion dollars: By the time they had consulted a map and realized that Saskatorontario was not a real province I would have already cashed the check. (Note: May want to come up with a defense strategy in case the USA gets all “invadey” over the whole thing).

Pass a law making the Prime Minister an official Circus Ringmaster: I have my reasons.

Make that delicious (but super fattening) chocolate-cheesecake they serve down at that cute little bistro on Hilton Street illegal: Excuse me but some of us are trying to keep our new years resolutions this year. Am I right ladies?

Do something about the Environment: Admittedly, I have not fully thought this one out. All I know is that the 300 page, glossy booklet outlining my environmental policy (printed in Brazil) would have a green cover. Definitely have to have the green cover. I would not compromise on that.

Continually Prorogue Parliament, hide in my room for the entire time I am in office and hope everything turns out okay: Oh man, I really hope no one notices.