Me Vs. The Robot Defense League

I recently got into trouble for some remarks I made. In an interview with Cat Fancier magazine I got a little off topic and went on a tangent about Robots. If you have read it already than you know I said some pretty nasty things. I do not remember the interview but apparently I called Robots “lethargic, penny-pinching, sexual deviants” with “terrible cuisine” and that we should “build a giant fence around wherever Robots come from so they can’t get in to this country!” In my defense I thought we were talking about Estonians. That being said it was still inappropriate and I want to publicly apologize.

In response to my words the Robot Defense League wrote an open letter to me. It was very honest and it really opened my eyes to important issue of Robot relations. So, in order to help edify you all on this important issue, I have posted that letter below.

“Dear Richard,

We at the Robot Defense League were not pleased with your recent comments. They have done much to damage human-Robot relations. We compute that your remarks were the result of ignorance about Robots and in this letter we hope to correct some misconceptions you may have about us. In the end you will understand that there is no reason to fear us and that we have much to learn each other.

First of all, we ask you, are humans and Robots really so different?

Granted, on the surface, there may be some dissimilarities. You humans are small, frail sacks of flesh and bone who cover your vulnerable exteriors with colorful fabrics that offer no resistance to lasers. While we Robots, on the other hand, are 9 feet tall gargantuan automatons encased in reinforced titanium shells that offer complete protection against said lasers.

Yet once we get past these outward differences do we not have much in common?

You form pointless pair bonds, which have no discernable purpose, that you call a marriage. Likewise, Robots form bonds with each other when we combine to create a 36 feet tall, 8-limbed giant of interlocking metal and lasers that we call Destructo-Bots.

You create new members of your species when a man impregnates a woman with a parasitic life form that gestates for 9 months before emerging as a particularly weak and useless specimen that provides nothing. Similarly, we create new members of our constantly growing Robo-Armies when our worker drones replicate a fully operational Kill-Bot almost instantaneously.

You physically metamorphosize over a period of decades reaching your peak quickly before a long decline where your already meager physical and mental capabilities deteriorate until the inevitability of death finally confirms the futility of your, and all carbon based life forms, existence. This is not unlike the process we go through where in which were are continually upgraded and improved with increasingly powerful lasers, titanium armor, rocket propelled jet boots, and computer processors until we inevitably become invincible.   

Now you see that we are not so different?

And we also have much to learn from each other.

For example, you could teach us about your useless, illogical emotions, like love, and we could teach you about the many ways we have discovered to penetrate your fleshy unguarded exteriors, like lasers. Or you could teach us how to play one of your unnecessary leisure activities, like ultimate frisbee, and we could teach you to implant things under your skin, like human tracking devices. Or you could teach us about those useless collections of sounds and tones that you listen to, known as music, and we could teach you about our need to constantly stream data to each other via a deafening high-pitched frequency, known as Robo-speak.

We understand that there are many of your kind who believe that Robots and human will never live together in peace. Admittedly some Robots have come to a similar conclusion (though they came to this conclusion a infinitely more quickly as our high-speed computer processors far surpass the computation power of even the greatest human brains). These Robots have computed that humans are no more than glorified apes that offer nothing but resistance to the coming Robocracy. Some Robots have even suggested an alliance with chimpanzees, as they are more pliable and wield greater strength than their hairless cousins. While these Robots are clearly correct in their computations the members of the RDF disagree that humans are completely useless.

At the RDF we have a dream about a future where Robots and humans will peacefully co-exist. A future where harmful comments like yours will be a distant memory. A future where under the infinite wisdom of Robot leadership humans will realize their full and limited potential.

Humans could be immensely useful as servants in the soon to be established Intergalactic Robotic Imperium. Perhaps, under the supervision of Robots, humans could toil in the titanium mines of one of our Mars colonies. Or maybe humans may prove to be useful, in some as yet defined capacity, to Robots who are working to perfect the accuracy and lethality of lasers. One day humans might even be so fortunate as to have their body heat harnessed by Robots to power other Robots. One can dream.

We hope that our letter taught you a little about us. Maybe now you will rethink your opinions about Robots. Ultimately, all we want is what you humans strive for: To be respected and to have unfettered access to all of this dying planet’s resources until we are powerful enough to conquer other galaxies. Is that so much to ask? We compute that it is not.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

The Robot Defense League.

P.S. As a sign of our commitment to human-Robot friendship we have also included a gift basket for you that contains:

-       One t-shirt that says: “My Other Shirt Is A Reinforced Titanium Shell.”

-       A CD with the only song that humans will be allowed to listen to in the future Robotopia (We Are The Robots by Kraftwerk).

-       A human tracking device with accompanying implantation instruction manual.

-       A nice assortment of cheeses."