If you need someone to film your next zombie orgy...

...I know just the guy!

Make-up & Prosthetics Specialist/ Camera-Man Jonathan Craig

His credits include Kenny vs. Spenny and my nightmares.

Lesser know facts about Ghandi

Mohandas Karamchand Ghandi was the great Indian politician who dedicated his life to creating an independent India free from British rule. His philosophy of resistance to the British was based on one of non-violence and non-cooperation. He was also convinced that true freedom could only come with moral and spiritual transformation of an entire people. So committed to his principles he strived to spiritually purify himself through fasting, celibacy, solitude, and constant prayer. And though his story is well known, my recent research has turned up a few surprising facts about the great man.

Lesser known facts about Ghandi

- Birth name: Melvin Goldberg.
- He was a man of incredible moral courage and conviction who was steadfast in his commitment to non-violence, which only made his vocal stance on the unnecessary testing of incendiary weapons on monkeys that much more disturbing.
- Never lived to see his beloved Indians win the Pennant in ’49.
- Chocoholic.
- His high school class cruelly – and quite presciently – voted him most likely to be celibate.
- Was really into Indian culture and religion for a while and always said that one day he would just “go for it” and live on an Ashram in India for “a whole summer or whatever.”
- Not naturally bald.
- Soul Force and Passive Resistance were actually names of his favorite bands.
- As part of his commitment to non-violence he developed the now famous technique of holding an outstretched finger just centimeters away from someone’s face while repeating: “I am not touching you, I am not touching you...”
- Yeah, he did some time. No big deal.
- You just totally know that he loved getting high. I mean you can just tell by looking at him that he was baked, like, all the time.
- Surprisingly terrible at yoga.
- His short stature, thin frame, and complete ignorance of the sport ensured that Ghandi would never play hockey above the minor league level.
- Kind of half-assed it through his later hunger strikes.
- Whenever someone mentioned his vow of celibacy he always creepily pointed out that hand-jobs “didn’t count” as sex.

Illiterich Unleashed: Live From The Allan Street Reading Series: The Unrated and Uncensored Transcript

This is an unedited version of the piece I read at the Allan Street Reading Series in May. Thank you to Jenner and Julia for hosting that event and forcing me to read in front of people. It was a great experience.

I was tempted to edit before posting it here because it's too long and I feel like it is not quite finished. Also, it was specifically written to be read aloud as oppose to most of my work, which is written to be ignored. Enjoy!

Dear Son,

This letter is only to be read in the event of my premature death. My hope is to provide you with the guidance, advice and the wisdom of my collected experiences in person but if fate should make that impossible than I want to leave you with something – even if is just a brief letter – to remember me by.

It is important that you should know that I am doing everything to cheat death. I am looking in to cryogenic freezing, cloning, and even downloading my consciousness on to a computer. So even if my current physical incarnation does cease to be you should not count me out forever.

When I do pass though you should not be sad that I am gone. While the specifics are of course unknown to me you can be certain that I died heroically, handsomely, and hilariously. I am not sure how my death will be hilarious exactly but I have got some ideas. For example, I am working on some funny last words. I was thinking something along the lines of: “Catch ya’ll on da flipside!” or “What do you mean they are out of gorgonzola cheese!” Admittedly those are both pretty terrible but that’s just from my initial brainstorming. Anyways, I am sure I will think of something better to make you proud.

I also just want quickly say that if some papers report that I died doing something different, say while performing something called autoerotic asphyxiation. They are lying. Daddy has never done that before and does not even know what those words mean.

Now that I think about it, I am not even really sure why I am writing this letter. I mean I know why but I have already written an entire book entitled From a Father to a Son: 20 Inspirational Letters of Guidance and Wisdom that covers most of what I want to say here in greater detail. Honestly, I am cribbing most of this letter from what I can remember from that book – which is not much because it was heavily plagiarized. Of course the major difference is I get to swear in this version. I mean, I told that asshole publisher over at Harper-Collins that kids already hear this shit in the playground. But he said to me that there would be no motherfucking swearing in his book and if I did not like it I could kiss his white ass and fuck off. It was total bullshit. In the end I agreed to that prick’s demands because I needed the fucking pay-cheque. Money is money, am I fucking right? Anyways, now I can swear all I want. So fuck yeah.

What was I talking about? Oh yes – I was providing you with invaluable guidance on how to live your life.

The first piece of wisdom I want to impart on you is definitely the most important: Always listen to your mother. She is a beautiful, intelligent woman who loves you very dearly and has only your best interests in mind. That is, unless, we got divorced before I died. If that is the case than do not listen to a damn thing she says and if she re-marries some dude remember to condescendingly call him “Kevin” or “Darren” or whatever his stupid name is and never refer to him as “father.” If he tries to discipline you remind him, in no uncertain terms, that he is not your real dad and you do not have to listen to him. But unless that happens your mother should be the guiding light in your life.

So what other advice do I have for you? I admit I am kind of drawing a blank here. Oh – I would definitely say do not have kids. Wow, those things will eat up all your time with their crying and stupid questions. It is ridiculous. As soon as you have a kid you can kiss your fun goodbye and you will not be getting laid ever again, that’s for sure. My friend Mike has two and you should see this loser, it’s pathetic. And his kids? Complete morons. I do not envy him at all.

Of course – I am sure you will be different. You will be a wonderful son and not a moron or a time waster or anything like that.

Okay, I am clearly not great at this. I really do not have much experience with children. And my father only ever gave me two pieces of advice:

First: “Be all that you can be.”

and

Second: “Be an army of one.”

My dad watched a lot of TV and I later found out that those were both slogans for the United States Armed Forces that he gleaned from commercials. So he clearly was not trying too hard. One time he bought us matching t-shirts at an air show that read in big yellow type: “My Other T-Shirt Is Your Mom.” I am not really sure if this was a failed attempt at father-son bonding or, as my therapist asserts, a mild form of child abuse. My point is, I lacked a good role model but I want things to be different for you. I suppose I should start with the things that I learned too late and probably not correctly at all. For one thing I think it is the duty of any good father to explain the birds and the bees to his son.

Now I am sure you are familiar with the word sex but you are probably wondering what it is all about? Well, son, it is a beautiful thing where a man and a woman, who are deeply in love, choose to share their bodies with each other in an extended, sweaty, passionate embrace. In short, it is the best. It can also be shared between a man and man; or woman and a woman; or, sometimes a man and two other young men; or maybe a man and a woman who was born a man but now identifies as a woman though she still retains some man parts that she did not tell the other man about before starting, even though he’s cool with it, I mean he’s an open-minded guy and its college and maybe he’s always been curious and well, the point is, sex can get really complicated sometimes. Remember though, when shared with someone you love there is nothing better.

If you want to learn more about sex than you should read the manuscript for the rejected sequel to my first book entitled: Uncensored and Unleashed: From a Father to a Son 2: 20 Letters too Inspirational and Extreme for the Original; With a new forward by Howard Stern. Also included in that volume are inspirational letters covering such topics as drugs, money laundering, and dog fighting. In retrospect, I can see why Harper-Collins passed on that project and maybe you should too.

Now that I have told you all about the wonders of sex I should move on to something a little less enjoyable. I do not relish this but I do not want you getting picked on in school like I did so here goes. The following things do not exist:

- Santa Claus
- The Tooth Fairy
- The Female Orgasm
- The Easter Bunny

There I just saved you a lot of trouble. I know its hard to hear about Santa Claus but you will still get presents anyways so do not worry about it.

Other sad facts that you will have to live with, if your life is anything like mine are:

- A strangely resilient form of mild to moderate acne that will persist from the age of 14 to at least your early 20s.
- A complete lack of interest from women that will persist from the age of 14 to at least your early 20s.
- An embarrassing phase involving simultaneous commitments to metal, elaborate tabletop board games, and not bathing.
- And, finally, most painfully of all, the belief that can write poetry and that it should be shared with other human beings, especially uninterested women.

So I think, by this stage, with your experiences and with my profound insights as your guide you are ready to take on the world. The thing is though, as you get older, you will start to question that world and your place within it. At some point you will inevitably ask: “Why am I here?” Greater minds than I have wrestled with this question and come to different conclusions.

Some think it should simply be the accumulation of material wealth while others think that it should be devoted to the pursuit knowledge. Some believe that achieving spiritual enlightenment is that loftiest goal while others are content to wallow in basest of human pleasures. Finally, there are a whole bunch of people who devote their lives to blindly following strict religious and moral codes, which they insist on forcing on the rest of us at every chance they get. I cannot begin to explain how annoying these people are. They have only read one book, ruin every party they go too, and literally think they can control hurricanes with wishes and prayers. That last part would be cool if it was true but its totally not.

Now, where was I? Right, the meaning of life. Yes, I really do not have an answer for that question. This is going to sound like a cop-out but you will have to figure it out for yourself. I can give you some suggestions of things that make life much more enjoyable.

- First: Love. There is nothing better than loving someone and having them reciprocate. If I had to describe it I would say it is like floating in a warm, calm lake without having to struggle remain above water – you would gladly stay there forever. Though on rare occasions, it is like being water boarded with steaming, hot piss – you would do anything to get free from it. I can be a bitch that way but it is always worth going for.

- Two: Art, literature, music, film, and dancing. They are not only useful at reducing boredom and increasing enjoyment but they can also, if considered and created with great reflection, become something approaching transcendental. Not quite on the level of controlling hurricanes with your prayers but as good as I’ve ever experienced.

- Three: Sex. Again, I cannot sing its praises enough.

- Four: Laughter: The best thing after love and sex.

- Five: Water: Drinking it regularly leads to clear skin, more energy, and you will die without it.

- Six; The Sciences: Honestly, they are not really for me but you might grow up to be a nerd so I thought I should give them a token spot on this list.

Now if those are the things you should seek out than the things you should avoid are, in no particular order: Hatred, violence, war, oppression, racism, xenophobia, homophobia, superstition, most television, frats, frat boys, frat parties, and doing nothing.

Of all these things in the second grouping war is definitely the worst. I do not want you getting involved in any sort of war. If I ever hear that you have started any wars, even just one, I will be very upset with you young man. I do not care if it is pre-emptive or what. Starting a war is very irresponsible, someone is liable to get hurt and I will not be there to clean up your mess.

Since, by the time you read this, I will be dead and gone you are probably wondering where I am now? Well, the short answer is, if everything went as planned, a cryogenic freezing chamber just outside Santa Barbra nestled between the frozen head of baseball legend Ted Williams and the unanimated corpse of the Chairman of the Board himself, Frank Sinatra.

Unfortunately, I have to face the fact that maybe this did not go according to plan and that I am truly gone from this earth forever. If that is so then I believe that my spirit will leave my body and catch upon a shooting star that will take me to a far away asteroid. There I will rule over my tiny, planet kingdom, tending to three small volcanoes and the beautiful but demanding rose and...no, no wait, that’s the Little Prince. Oh God – I just realized that my vision of the afterlife is basically the plot to a children’s book. That’s embarrassing. Please, don’t tell anyone about that. It’s a great book though, you should check it out, Little Prince.

To be honest, Son, I do not know what happens when we die. I like to think I will be able to watch over you and act as a sort of Guardian Angel. I mean, not all the time. I will respect your privacy when you are in the washroom and it would be pretty unnecessary to watch over you while you are sleeping. Also, when you are at school it is kind of redundant with all those teachers around. But I will definitely try to watch over you about 25 – 30 percent of the time. I am not sure, exactly, what my schedule will be like in the after life though, so lets say I will aim to watch over you at least 15 percent of the time. That should cover most of the important events in your life. Oh, unless you get seasons tickets to the Leafs, then I definitely will be watching over you a lot more.

So I think that is everything I want to really say. Looking over this letter, I am thinking it is probably not very appropriate for a child. Oh well, at least I was honest. I just wish I had more insight on life but I am still relatively young and have not had much experience. In fact, I don’t even have a girlfriend right now so I am not sure why I am worrying about children. Now that I think about it I do not have a job either. And I am not sick or dying or anything. Why the hell am I writing this? I should be focusing on my life, not trying to provide guidance to some kid who has not even been born yet. I always do this and I always get way ahead of myself.

Anyways, I think if I have to leave you with one final thing, it would be this, always plan things out in advance and if you ever find yourself writing a letter to someone who does not exist yet, you might want to take a second to think if you have got something better to do. To tell the truth, I really didn’t.

Sincerely,

Your Loving Father.

Food Blog

I have been thinking a lot about changing the focus of my blog from nothing to something. I know that food blogs are popular and I eat food so I thought that would be a good fit. So here is my first “Review” of a local restaurant.

Frou-Frou Bistro

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of eating lunch at Frou-Frou Bistro. It is an exciting, trendy new establishment with a creative menu, a great atmosphere, and a staff that is second-to-none!

The first thing I noticed about Frou-Frou when I walked in was the décor. All the furniture was vintage and delightfully mismatched. The walls were covered with colorful paintings by local artists that really gave it a edgy but also welcoming ambiance. On top of that the hip wait staff had picked out some great music to accompany the meal. It was super cozy and cute!

The second thing I noticed was that my date was not there yet. At first I just thought she was late but then she never even showed up. Oh well, I thought, since I was dining alone I decided to order two of everything, to make it seem like I was out with someone. That also meant I got twice as much delicious food! Yum Yum!

I started off with two scrumptious soups – I forget what kinds they were exactly, I think one was like a tomato thingy and the other had, like, chicken in it or was chicken based at least – I know they were quite hot at first but then later they were more just warmish. I should probably describe them better but I think you get the idea.

Next up were my two main courses!

The first was a sandwich with all the fixings. It was called the House Special or possibly the Frou-Frou Special. Anyways, there was bread but it was like that really thin bread and then there was also stuff between the bread. It was mainly vegetables with some meat too. And tomatoes again. What are tomatoes exactly? A fruit or a vegetable? Well, they were in there whatever they are. I think some mayo too but I scraped that off because I hate mayo. It could have been butter though. Anyways, I can’t really describe the taste – I am bad at descriptions – but if I had to describe I would say it was warm because it had been heated or toasted. I did not actually finish it though because it was too soggy from the mayo (butter?).

Next up was a cheeseburger, which they gave a cute French name on the menu that I forgot to write down (I forgot to write down anything). I am not going to bother describing the cheeseburger because we all know what they taste like. Imagine tasting a cheeseburger – well that’s what it was like. If you have never tasted a cheeseburger, than I am sorry, this review will be lost on you. It was definitely even warmer than the sandwich, I can say that much. I would even say it was almost hot. The fries that it came with were pretty much standard except kind of thick. Or maybe they were even just average sized. I don’t know, I am no expert. They tasted a lot like hot ketchup but maybe I just put a lot of ketchup on them. I don’t really remember. Fuck this is hard.

Finally, after the Cheeseburger, came the dessert. This was the moment I had been waiting for.

First up: Blueberry Pie!

I have to tell you, this was the best blueberry pie I have ever tried. Firstly, it was red coloured and tasted like raspberries, which was different. Secondly, it was all, kind of, like crumbly but not. Fuck, no that’s not a good description. Man, I just wish you could taste it and then you would know what it tasted like. I just really want to convey the flavour of this pie and how made me feel but I can’t. Just go try it and you will know what I mean. God, this is really frustrating. Okay, maybe this will help, I remember saying, “Wow, this is good. I can’t wait to describe it in my blog.” Yeah, that should give you some idea of what I was dealing with.

And for the grand finale: More dessert, I think!

I feel like an idiot. I mean, I am just drawing a blank on the dessert I finished with. Next time I have to really bring a notebook. I know it was cold and I used a fork to eat it. After that your guess is as good as mine. Wait, wait it was cinnamon flavored ice cream? No, no that’s not it, that's not even a real thing, I just made that up. Idiot. Let’s just say chocolate cake even though that was not it. Yeah, Frou-Frou has great “chocolate cake.” (How do food bloggers fucking do this?)

In conclusion, I give Frou-Frou two big thumbs up and I would recommend it to all my friends. My only criticism is that the food is indescribable. I am not sure why that is exactly but my experience would have been better if they made food that had a particular taste and texture that could be related to another person in a detailed, clear written description. Perhaps they could even provide patrons with written descriptions to pass on to their friends or post on their food blogs. That would be a nice touch.

“Just Watch Me”: If I were Prime Minister

Our current Prime Minister has been taking a lot of criticism lately for things he has done (or not done?). I do not read newspapers so I am not sure exactly what the problem is but I assume – judging from his appearance – that he has either done something really creepy or something really bland. Anyways I feel bad for the suit-shaped, human-like being that currently fills the position of Prime Minister so I thought I would help him out by outlining what I would do if I was in his shoes.

Renounce God: I admit this is a risky first move and completely unnecessary. At the same time: holy shit, right? I mean, it would be pretty crazy if the Prime Minister did that. Everyone would freak the fuck out and probably call for my immediate resignation. Actually, it would be political suicide. I do not know what I was thinking. It is a terrible idea. I probably should have thought about it a little more. Maybe just scrap the whole renouncing God thing, at least for now.

Replace Parliament with hyper-realistic mannequins: My initial reason for doing this would be to ensure that I could pass any legislation I wanted without opposition. Later I think I would get bored of that but then I could still dress up the mannequins in funny costumes and pretend to talk for them in silly, high-pitched voices. Maybe I would throw some sort of tea party for them. Either way it would be fun. (Note: Remember not to fall in love with any of mannequins).

Establish a 3-Day Weekend: People would be thrilled if I established a 3-day weekend. They might be less thrilled when they found out they would have to work 20 hour days on the tar sands for the rest of the week. Still: 3-day weekend.

End the War with Japan and Germany: Has anyone remembered to do this already?

Establish a cabinet position for the Prime Minister’s Girlfriend: I would make it a priority to fill this position in the first weeks of my Government. I’ve narrowed my choices down to Rachel McAdams, Elisha Cuthbert, and Peter MacKay (Yes, he’s that good).

Cancel Third World Debt: Nah, just fucking with you.

Ask the Premier of Nunavut to come to Ottawa to present his case for making Nunavut Canada’s next province. Then after he made his little presentation or whatever I would totally say, “I’ll have Nunavut!”: Hah! Get it? “Nunavut” sounds like “none of it.” Whatever, I really think as Prime Minister I could make that joke work.

Raise taxes 1000%: This would make me a very unpopular Prime Minister at first but then...

Lower taxes 500%: Well, well, well guess who just implemented the biggest tax cut in the history of the world?

Throw a nice party for the First Nations People: It’s the least I could do. Actually I could do nothing. Honestly, I would probably end up doing nothing.

Liquidate the opposition, dismantle democracy, establish reeducation camps for “undesirable elements,” abolish free thought, and declare myself as “Citizen 1,” the eternal leader of The Peasant and Worker’s Democratic Republic Of Soviet Canuckistan: Whoops! How did that get on here? Just ignore this one.

Lower the drinking age to 17: I told you guys I was cool.

A Necessary Evil: An ex-con who is trying to put his life back together after 10 years in jail is forced to track down the men who killed his wife and kidnapped his daughter. Or so he thinks... Starring Mark Wahlberg and Edward James Olmos. Summer 2011: I figure as Prime Minister I could finally make this movie happen.

Pass one really amazing bill that basically just solves all of the problems: This seems like an obvious move to me.

Make French the official language of Alberta: Because fuck Alberta, that’s why.

Sell the province of Saskatorontario to the USA for a billion dollars: By the time they had consulted a map and realized that Saskatorontario was not a real province I would have already cashed the check. (Note: May want to come up with a defense strategy in case the USA gets all “invadey” over the whole thing).

Pass a law making the Prime Minister an official Circus Ringmaster: I have my reasons.

Make that delicious (but super fattening) chocolate-cheesecake they serve down at that cute little bistro on Hilton Street illegal: Excuse me but some of us are trying to keep our new years resolutions this year. Am I right ladies?

Do something about the Environment: Admittedly, I have not fully thought this one out. All I know is that the 300 page, glossy booklet outlining my environmental policy (printed in Brazil) would have a green cover. Definitely have to have the green cover. I would not compromise on that.

Continually Prorogue Parliament, hide in my room for the entire time I am in office and hope everything turns out okay: Oh man, I really hope no one notices.